Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
