You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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