when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
