Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
