my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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