Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize