I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
