Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
