i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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