I could have mohawked her pubes.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
