Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
