If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
