so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize