I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
