so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
