She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
