have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
