I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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