I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
