When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
now i know why i became what i already was.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
