I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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