I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
