i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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