Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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