apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
