someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
