In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
