I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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