and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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