Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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