Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
