Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
