its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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