ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
