Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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