omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
