I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
