My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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