you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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