I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
