What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
