atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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