How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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