Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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