i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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