Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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