I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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