I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
