At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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