just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
