I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
we should paint friendship bongs
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