the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize