God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
