how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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