I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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