just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize