So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Randomize
