I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
