grandma shit on top of the toilet
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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