tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
