I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
