who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
