"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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