Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
