Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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