Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
