So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
