My liver just broke up with me...
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
nutella sex= disaster
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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