i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
