if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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